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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Progress Report #11

I should have a definate plan for today but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe just "maintenance" trying to keep the advances I've made alive. I feel like I've made some big leaps. The one from the stall to the urinal was huge. This lack of focus might prove to be a problem, it could make it easy to slide backwards but I'll see how it goes.

Attempt #1 :I guess I'm just in the habit of testing myself so I'll stick with the "Attempt" moniker. Went to the bathroom with urgency about 8/10. Had been chugging water all morning as normal. Standing there at the center urinal waiting. After 2 minutes I succumbed to weakness and just started to go. Lucky for me a co-worker came in after a few seconds and took the urinal next to me. There was a time when I would have had a surge of anxiety at the door opening. I've been in that situation before and watched my flow shrink to a dribble and stop. Not this time though, everything was normal.

I know my recent successes don't mean I'm cured. It just means I've managed to push my Shy Bladder anxiety beyond the situations I'm currently being challenged with. Will I be able to go at a crowded sports stadium trough?

Attempt #2 :This time I wait at the center urinal. Urgency 9/10. Another guy comes in, I start to pee, he goes to the stall, comes back and takes the urinal next to me. I know him, we chat. All is normal.

Starting to look like I need a new challenge.

Attempt #3 :I'm in the bathroom with an urgency of about 7/10. I take the center urinal. While I'm waiting I decide, on a whim really, to test myself by waiting until the other person comes in and stands next to me before starting my stream. Normally in these situations I'm starting my stream as soon as they come in. So, someone comes in. They stand next to me. Nothing happens. It turns out that it's someone I know, he starts some small talk but I'm still not able to go. I don't have a rush of anxiety but I can't go until he's finished up and flushes. The moment he's not actually standing at my shoulder I'm able to go. Failure. But I have identified a new challenge. Frustrating that my Shy Bladder has so many levels but I am determined to break down every one in turn. Should probably be able to manage this with a higher urgency level.

Attempt #4 :I take up position in the empty bathroom. Center urinal. Urgency 9/10. I wait a few minutes then someone comes in. I get a spike of anxiety and the guy takes the urinal next to me. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go or not, the urgency is overriding my anxiety at least. After a second of hesitancy I start to go, a good, normal flow. I know the guy, he says, cryptically "You enjoy standing there?" English isn't his first language so it's hard to know what to make of the statement, you can't always read things into what he says. I laugh it off, say I had some things to think about. He makes some small talk. We finish up. Maybe he saw me jump when he came in? Anxiety starts to blow this out of proportion : Have people noticed my hanging around in the bathroom? It seems unlikely - it was probably a comment about me standing at the center urinal. Overall a success.

Attempt #5 :Someone is in the bathroom washing their hands. I walk up and use the urinal with no hesitation. Wanted to test myself again with someone standing next to me but the conditions don't always work out that way. Will have to take this up tomorrow.

Further reading :

Read what happens next in Progress Report #12

1 comment:

Gilbo said...

Reading all your progress reports I realise how even slight variations in others behaviour and your own urgency level can have marked effects on your ability to relax.
Just reading this is giving me a little anxiety. Your courage is inspiring.