Attempt #1 : Urgency 7.5/10. Went to the bathroom, met someone else just going in. He took Urinal #3, I took Urinal #1. Stood up to the urinal and became aware that I was thinking about going rather than going. Naturally, nothing happened. I have a kind of nervous habit that I've developed in this kind of a situation, I scratch my nose. Despite my lack of flow my anxiety didn't spike and after about 3 seconds (which seemed like forever) I started my flow and was able to go normally.Success!
What I'm learning : Recently I've had a spate of hesitancy before finally being able to go. It happens when my urgency isn't 10/10. My anxiety isn't kicking in like it used to in these situations though and I am able to go after a few seconds. Hesitancy is normal Sure. People can tell you that, you can read it, you can even see it in other people at urinals but unless you can understand that yourself at a subconscious level it doesn't help you. But I think that my subconscious mind is starting to grasp it, the fact that my anxiety doesn't start up after a second or two of waiting suggests I'm "getting it". Just how much hesitancy is normal?
Attempt #2Urgency 7/10. Arrived at bathroom during high-traffic time. Felt a flash of anxiety. Someone at urinal #2, took urinal #1. Froze. Was able to start flow as soon as they left urinal and were in process of leaving room. Maybe I would have started had they stayed in the bathroom longer. Dissapointing failure. Failure.
After a weekend...
Attempt #3Urgency 8/10. Again arrived at bathroom during a high-traffic time. Did not feel anxiety, someone at Urinal #1, Someone at #3. A perfect practice set-up. I stood up to urinal #2 and was able to go immediately. It probably helped that the guy at #3 flushed and left at that moment. The guy at #1 was still there when I finally left the bathroom. I guess Shy Bladder comes to us all - but not me this time! Success!
A few days later..
Attempt #4Urgency 8/10. Arrive in the bathroom, someone is at urinal #1 so I take #3 which, for some reason has me feeling more exposed (I guess I'm not next to the wall as usual). I stand there but nothing happens until the other guy leaves the room. I shrug and realize that sometimes you're just going to have a bad day. I don't worry about it.Failure.
I seem to be in a pattern of moving forward and falling back with my Shy Bladder progress. I was pleased to discover that Edmund Bourne says that this is normal in a program of Graduated Exposure Therapy. Read more about his book.